I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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