just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
