I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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