he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You are the jesus of drinking
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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