i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize