Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
