I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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