Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
