I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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