I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
