WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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