Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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