So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
