I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
