Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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