I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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