When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
