Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
