batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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