I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
