4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
