dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
