I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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