this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
