Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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