He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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