im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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