I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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