you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
