I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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