I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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