I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
