Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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