I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
