U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
