Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
