lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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