Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
