i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
