My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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