Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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