Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
