He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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