my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
