found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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