I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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