I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
