i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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