so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
