you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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