i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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