I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
