we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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