i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
