I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
