you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize