does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
