I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
