her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
