WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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